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03 October 2009 @ 08:29 pm
[Supernatural Fic] Medicine Jar; R; Implied Dean/Cas  

A/N: So, I actually have a started spn AU in my folder where Castiel's a drug addict. I started writing it back in the summer, and wasn't too sure about the concept. Now it's canon. Oh, Show. Not fair.
Also, I'm sick and supposed to be studying for a test/writing an essay. :|

Disclaimer: Show's not mine, sadly. Title from a song by Wings with the same title.



 

Medicine Jar


The angels left. Abandoned the earth, repudiated humanity, abdicated their dreams of Paradise. These days, not even celestial beings dared delude themselves with hope.

 

He hasn't felt their love in years; they have deserted him long before anything or anyone else. But he could always feel them, could feel the Heavenly Host's power surge through his veins as diminished as it was. The righteousness thrummed hard and pumping through his very core.

 

On the day of their forsaking, he bolts out of his sleep (he found that if he let Jimmy's body rest his own powers were stronger) gulping for air. He whizzes and his chest heaves, raw and painful as the burning sensation engulfs his lungs.

 Breathing.

 It's terrifying, and ironically, it feels a lot like suffocation.

 :::

He refuses to eat, because it's beneath him. Because he shouldn't have the need for nourishment; his Father's love should be enough to sustain him.

 

Dean tries to reason with him; brings him sandwiches and other foods that look insipid and repulsive. Castiel rejects them all with a scowl and a scrunch of his nose.

 

When the second day's almost at its end and Castiel still hasn't eaten anything, Dean forces his mouth open and shoves a piece of something moldy into his mouth. Castiel struggles against him, but now that his powers are gone Dean easily overpowers him. He tightens his jaw shut and  forcefully tilts his head back, ordering Castiel to swallow.

 

When Dean's satisfied that the food's safe in Castiel's stomach, he gets off the bed and turns his back, ready to leave. Castiel shoves his index and middle fingers down his throat, and the food's out of his stomach and hurled on the floor. He feels a little guilty, because food's scarce these days and it could've been used to nourish one of the people in the camp.

 

Dean throws his hands in the air in agitation, leaving the room and murmuring how it's just his luck to get the one anorexic angel with bulimic tendencies.

 

Castiel stares at his hands and bitterly tells the room that Dean doesn't have an angel anymore.

 :::

On the fourth day, he feels the acid eating away at his stomach, the taste of bile on his tongue, and finally caves in to the horrendous, consuming feeling of hunger. Dean hands him his plate with a smile that Castiel doesn't return.

 :::

It goes on for weeks; Castiel just lying in bed and never leaving his cabin. The rumor's spread through the camp by now, about the angels leaving and Castiel's mortality. Fortunately, they know better than to come looking for him, and Chuck and Dean are the only ones that come to his cabin.


Castiel doesn't have much to say, and Dean never stays very long, exasperated as he is with him these days. He mostly comes in to verify that Cas has eaten his breakfast and lunch and dinner. Chuck talks about how weird it is not having visions anymore, how liberating. Castiel never responds.

 

He doesn’t join them on hunts or missions. He spends his days sitting in the middle of his bed, eyes casted upwards and prayers spilling past his lips.

He's convinced they will be back. Convinced they haven't completely abandoned Earth; they will be back and they will end the fight. They will defeat Lucifer and restore order. Restore faith.

 And if not for humanity, they'll come back for him. He can beg for forgiveness and maybe—

Maybe he can go home.

 :::

He doesn't sleep much; he finds he can't. Dreams of Heaven and belonging and consummate love keep him awake. His muscles and joints are sore from the mattress in ways they would never ache had he still been an angel.

Five hours of sleep turn to four, shrink to three and soon he's down to half an hour on a good day.

 

He's on his fifth day of functioning with no sleep at all when Dean barges into his room.

"Here,” he growls and throws something at Castiel that he fumbles to catch.

The pills in the bottle rattle in his grip. It's small and orange and the label read 'Valium'.

"Take these,” Dean says, motioning to the pill bottle. “Get yourself straight, will you? You're no use like this.”

Castiel places the small bottle on his bedside table and softly shakes his head no.

Dean huffs out an agitated sigh and leaves him alone.

 :::

Dean doesn't come to see him for another week. Chuck tells him it's because he's on a mission, and Castiel nods even though he knows it's not the reason at all.

 

Dean comes at night, without an explanation; Castiel never expected one. Not from this Dean.

Dean takes off his shoes and gets on the bed, using his elbows to position himself on top of Castiel and stare into his eyes. Castiel knows they're blank and devoid of anything at all.

"Look at you,” Dean grunts, his stare hard and accusing. “You're pathetic.”

Before Castiel can reply, Dean's up on his feet and heading for the door. He stops on his tracks at the hedge; reaches inside his jacket. He retrieves a small bottle from his pocket and throws it on the bed. “Do us all a favor,” and he's gone.

Castiel snatches the bottle and stares at the small tablets. The label reads 'Xanax' and Castiel pops two into his mouth.

 

He finds it helps him sleep.

 :::

Two months after the angels' departure, Castiel finally joins them on a job. It's supposed to be easy, quick—in and out. But it turns out to be a trap and they're surrounded by demons and Croats. The ceiling of the building collapses, and Castiel's foot is trapped underneath heavy plaster.

The pain is hot, white and burning and he whimpers under its weight. It's not long before strong arms wrap around his torso and pull him out, but the pain only gets sharper and more intense, and he absolutely. Cannot. Take. It.

 

He's never felt anything like it before; never even felt a nick on his skin. And this? It's... Unfathomable. Unending. Abysmal.

 

When they're back at the camp, Dean and some of the others gather all the medical supplies and patch him up to the best of their abilities.

 

A week later, his ankle is still swollen and the pain is all-consuming, spreading like wildfire over his leg and eating away at his sanity.

 

He's whimpering and agonized when Dean comes to see him, his back halfway turned to the door.

"Great, you're even more useless now,” he snides, and Castiel wishes he could curl into a small ball and disappear altogether. But he’s so diminished and immobilized he can’t even do that. “Get over it, will you? You're alive. That's more than most people can say.”

"It hurts,” his lips are chapped and his voice is barely a sound anymore, but he tries. Tries for Dean's sympathy, understanding, help. Compassion. Wants to beg for it.

"Your foot's broken. It'll heal. Stop being a whiney bitch about it,” is all he gets. Another pill bottle is thrust in front of his face. “I got this for you. Took a lot of effort, but I got it.”

Codeine.

Dean's gone, and Castiel's already opening the cap and dry-swallowing three pills.

 :::

"What happened to you?” Dean asks him, wide-eyed and baffled. Disbelieving. It’s the real Dean, the one he misses. The one who'd never treat him like this.

Castiel wants to tell him. Wants to tell him that he happened. That he's the one who fed him drugs until he got sufficiently addicted. That he did it all because he didn't want to have to deal with a newly-human Castiel. Because he didn't know how to. So he let the pills take care of him instead.

But he can't tell him. Because this Dean...

This Dean doesn't deserve it. Because this Dean still blames himself and agonizes over the torture he inflicted in Hell, and Castiel can't burden him further. Because he recognizes this Dean, and his eyes still gleam with emotion.

So Cas bites on his cheek, stills his shaking fists and croaks out a lie.

"Life.”

Powerless. Hapless. Hopeless.

 

 
 
the_kitty_frog on October 4th, 2009 03:00 am (UTC)
-sob-
That was so heartbreaking.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 4th, 2009 03:53 am (UTC)
*hug*

thank you!

That episode was just heartbreaking in so many different ways.
-: Stock | mexicoamechiro on October 4th, 2009 05:13 am (UTC)
Ouch. This is absolutely heartbreaking. But I think this is my favourite theory so far, even if it hursts so damn much. *mems* ♥
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:47 am (UTC)
Oh my, thank you so much! I'm very glad to hear you liked it and that the idea seemed plausible to you! :)
(Deleted comment)
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:49 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks so much babe.
*runs of to store to buy superglue and sits carefully amending your heart* <3

Also - I miss ya! Email me!
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - veggie17 on October 8th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - veggie17 on October 12th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
angelicmercy: sad :/angelicmercy on October 4th, 2009 08:45 am (UTC)
Oh, this Cas just breaks my heart. And the way Dean behaves. *whimpers*

But the story is amazing even though it breaks my heart!
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:49 am (UTC)
Aw sweetie, thank you kindly! I'm very glad you liked it, and I'm sorry to have made you sad! *uses some superglue on you, too*
Torri: SPN - Cas boozejohnliz4ever on October 4th, 2009 07:19 pm (UTC)
Fantastic, it was my theory that Dean started the addiction too so I love this fic. Very well written.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:51 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm very glad to hear the theory worked for you! It just seemed plausible and... I don't know. Just, our poor boys aren't very well adjusted. :(
vladiemmavladiemma on October 4th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC)
Gah, very touching, this future is just cruel! I dearly hopes Dean finds another future for both of them.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:52 am (UTC)
Isn't it? That episode, I think, will be tormenting fandom for a long time.

And yes, Dean has to find some way to fix it! :(

Thanks for reading and commenting! :)
Maya: spn - bloody!deantoranoko on October 4th, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC)
Ouch, just ouch. :(

Heartbreaking piece. ♥
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you so much! I'm glad you thought so! :)

*fixes heart* <3
tessykins: hallelujahtessykins on October 5th, 2009 04:39 am (UTC)
Oh, argh. This is great, in a totally painful way.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:55 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you though so, even though it was painful. That was kind of how the episode went, eh? Brilliant but heart wrenching. Ah, that Ben Edlund<3.
(no subject) - tessykins on October 7th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - veggie17 on October 8th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
CherryShadowZ: flatbreadcherryshadowz on October 5th, 2009 07:21 am (UTC)
I love it. A broken Cas makes my heart break in response but seeing this new take on it, having Dean lead the way to something, someone who isn't the angel we're use to is fantastic. I loved it, thanks!
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 7th, 2009 02:56 am (UTC)
Thank YOU!! :)

I'm very glad to hear it worked for you and that you liked that specific take. I just couldn't see Cas diving into it any other way, the poor fella.
The Large Purple Weed: Cas needs a hug!tracy on October 7th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
Aww, shit, this one hits where it hurts. To think that Dean is the one who fed him drugs because it was easier than trying to deal with him -- fffff. D: But even moreso is Castiel lying to present!Dean to protect him. Of course he would, oh Cas, that makes me ache.

I love this fic. :(
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 8th, 2009 12:22 am (UTC)
Thank you so much hon!

It's so hard to try and mend someone who is broken, but I figured that it'd be so much harder on Dean because, well, he's so broken himself, and... :(

And Cas... well, we all know how self-sacrificing he can be... :(

Thanks for reading and the lovely comment darling! :)
We All Fall Out: everything they whispered in our earweallfallout on October 10th, 2009 06:40 am (UTC)
I've read a lot of fanfic where Dean was the cause of Castiel's drug habit, but this is the first where he's the one actually giving Cas the drugs. D: He cared so much at the start, and then it tapered off to just shoving pills at Castiel.

But I enjoyed my heartbreak! Thank you.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 12th, 2009 04:56 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for the lovely comment! :)

I'm so pleased to hear that you found the concept refreshing and that it worked for you! It's just that we all know Dean isn't so great with the emotional stuff, and trying to deal with something so major whilst also trying to deal with the end of days... well, it's no easy task, eh?

Thank YOU for reading! :))
bella_lover on October 10th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
*sobs*
that was so sad but yu had Castiel so in character.
&& oh god. this part just makes me wanna give Cas a hug.
"This Dean doesn't deserve it. Because this Dean still blames himself and agonizes over the torture he inflicted in Hell, and Castiel can't burden him further. Because he recognizes this Dean, and his eyes still gleam with emotion."
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 12th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
Thank you kindly! I'm so pleased to hear that you thought Cas was in character!

'aw, Cas could use some hugs!

Thanks again!!:)

p.s. - icon love!!
etienneflyteetienneflyte on October 17th, 2009 01:13 pm (UTC)
Nicely done, very nice... but sad. Last paragraph with the final Cas line just beautifully goes back to the episode. Thanks.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 21st, 2009 04:31 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

Emre: Destielilluminatius on October 28th, 2009 05:37 am (UTC)
Wow.

That was...heartbreaking, to say the least. Very good, but leaves one feeling down.

Poor Cas. ;_;
Destructive Entityveggie17 on October 30th, 2009 04:24 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you so much! I'm sorry it made you sad, although I'm glad that feeling was conveyed since it was such a big part of the actual episode. *hug*

Thanks for reading! :)
hapax legomenonactourdreams on December 24th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC)
Damn, that was unexpected and woefully plausible. Wonderful stuff.
Destructive Entityveggie17 on December 25th, 2009 06:36 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad it worked for you, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

Happy holidays! :)